My Dear Child…

Dear Baby,

When your father and I met it was love at first sight. There was something, I just can’t place my finger on it exactly but it was there. Like current switched on I was a magnet,  a magnet to his touch, power and something, I always ask myself what it was and I just can’t seem to figure out what it is. It was heavenly, I could have sworn I heard the angels singing symphonies, maybe it was all in my head. It was like a well-orchestrated event that unfolded like an avalanche. I didn’t realise the damage it was going to cause. What felt like the mergence of destiny was actually a collision in a thick fog, what felt like the public union of Venus and Mars was actually an unknown conspiracy of silence. The man I thought had my best interest at heart was actually a goal poacher. My child words cannot begin to describe how sad I feel for allowing him to come into my life and terrorise my heart. Like an open sesame I gave him everything, my heart, my mind, my body. I shared my dreams, hopes, with him. My deepest fears he knew, my greatest weakness he knew and it was him. In all my innocence or is it naivety it beats me, I gave him my most treasured possession. The one thing that I lost that no amount of money could ever buy back neither could I wish it back. It was gone, gone with the wind. I just turned for a second, lost focus for a second and just like that at the snap of a finger, it was gone.

I believed him when he told me it was okay,

“it wont hurt,” he always said to me, “you wont feel a thing,” he asssured me

“it will just prick a little, like an injection,” he said countless times,

“Pain! What is pain, it’s here, it’s gone you don’t remember it,” he would jokingly say.

The first day I heard I was expecting you, I was gripped by a feeling of panic and fear. All that was going through my head was what were people going to say to me and about me. I thought about my mother, the confidence she had in me that was going to be shaken, I thought about my father how I was so perfect in his eye, I thought about my pastor, my friends…..your father, I thought about your father and somehow all these feelings vanished.

His words still ring in my ears like it was yesterday. My heart was racing, feet were numb, with one hand gripped tightly round my belly and the other to my chest, I faintly heard like an echo his voice saying I should dispose of you. I remember that night after he said that laying in his arms how he whispered into my ears that he loved me, that I was the best thing that ever happened to him and I felt a warm fuzzy feeling and somehow I knew it was going to be okay, it had to be okay after all he did say “till the end of time.”

My dear child, words cannot begin to express the pain I felt, I feel now as I remember that ordeal. Somehow all the things that seemed to matter at that time just don’t, the opinion I valued then now seems trivial. Here I am sitting here thinking about that day that I lay on that bed and watched your soul drift away like a feather in the wind, up, up and away you went, I watched a part of me die right in front of my eyes.

I can not pin all the blame on your father because it takes 2 to tango, it is my body I could have said no and stood my ground, I could have run away with you my baby but I didn’t I chose what I thought was the easy route but it turned out to be the road full of thorns. My child, now I know what I did not know then

Wondering why I am writing this letter? I guess I just wanted to say I miss you, I love you and please forgive me.

Your mother