Culture in Zimbabwe I feel is subjective. Generally in Zimbabwe we do have a strong and rich culture but because of Western influences and religion (Christianity) we are slowly moving away from it, soon some things will be extinct.

I am going to tell you of a cultural practice I find interesting. The other one we will discuss on it tomorrow.

In the western world, after the wedding you carry your beloved and get into a car and you drive off into the sunset with the “just married” placard on the car right? In my culture no, after the wedding we want to welcome your beloved with song and dance, some slaps here and there but mainly song and dance. So as soon as the wedding is over you go home pack a suitcase with a blanket, some sheets and a few clothes, you are really supposed to pack all your clothes but a few will do, you will need an excuse to leave the next day to see your parents cause…home.

The husband’s aunties will escort you home to pack your little suitcase incase you decide to run away, cause lobola and wedding were not reasons enough to “secure” you. Then the aunties will take you home with them, lucky enough you you don’t go alone, you go with a strong support system (you will need it) these are usually older sisters, hardworking friends and the occasional aunt who knows “these things”.

When you arrive at your husband’s homestead depending on how traditional or Christian the family is, you wait at the gate, the aunties have to pay some money so you get in, once in the gate you will kneel by the door, the aunties have to pay some money so you get into the house, all the while you will be covered in a blanket or something so in the house the aunties have to pay some money so you remove the covering, this feels like a money making scheme right!? It is… by the time you are done with the chiroora deals you and your team will be loaded cause you can refuse a payment and say it’s too little, they will have no choice but to top up.

But here is the catch you will work for that money. If the aunties tell you not to walk to the door but crawl there, you will do that, some aunties even slap you just to “rate your tolerance levels” if they hear so much as a sniff or see a tear they will not slap they will beat you 😂😂😂 it’s so ridiculous. But they will sing well into the night welcoming you, twerking for you until they are tired, some will even go as far as doing what they call “bedroom dances” I am telling you, you will never see those aunties in the same light. When they are now tired, they will show you where to sleep. You are not allowed to laugh, cry or yawn you have to be serious the whole time.

Some families will then give you and your husband your own room so you can get it on then the next morning the aunties will come and inspect the sheets if they notice that you were not a virgin hokoyo they will embarrass you to kingdom come infront of everyone!!!!! Some families just give you and your supporting ladies a room to rest together where you will gossip about which aunty was doing the most.

Now this part is recognised by some and some don’t do it, it all depends like I said with the family. If you were married a virgin, before you sleep with your husband he appreciates how you kept yourself intact “for him” 😂😂 and he pays a token of appreciation to you cash it in honey. If not a virgin, one of the aunties has to know and the man pays her a silencing fee to do she doesn’t raise this issue cause hearts have been broken, counselling has been done because of this lol

The next day you have to be up early and sweep the yard, cook food and boil bathing water for the in laws, all this has to be done by the fire no electric or gas stove is used, if it’s raining tough luck. And you get paid too for all that work, so if you go to your father in law and hand him his bathing water he has to pay you real sheets for your efforts lol, the more important the family member is the more money they pay. No money no water…

Then comes the food part, both families prepare their meals and then there is a food handover ceremony, you present your food to your in-laws and they do likewise to your family then you eat their food, they eat yours, so if you were thinking of poisoning some aunty now would be a good time to advise you against it cause you taste your food in their presence before you hand it over.. The couple then sits in the middle and they feed each other, so awkward… imagine being fed a piece of chicken thigh that stuff is not sexy with no fork just hands, it looks romantic in the movies but in real life it’s like get that hand out of my face did you even wash your hands nah boo.

Food seals the deal after the feeding and all, you can now take your beloved leave for your honeymoon and live happily ever after 😃.

The end.

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