Yesterday was Fathers Day. I don’t like Fathers Day that much.

It makes me sad, seeing people with their fathers sharing loving memories.

I dislike the fact that it’s the one day that reminds me of how much I was robbed.

I was robbed of the man who was supposed to walk me down the aisle.

I was robbed of the man whom my children were supposed to call grandfather.

I was robbed of a father and my mother was robbed of a husband.

A part of me does wish I could appreciate the moments I had as enough.

But I just cant seem to bring myself to, I just feel like I was robbed of time and memories.

Memories I know I would have treasured in my heart, mind and photo album.

Memories that would have turned into stories that would have been passed on from generation to generation.

I wish the time had been enough, but it wasn’t

Is it ever?

You get a taste of one moment you want everything

So don’t tell me “at least he held you when you were born, or at least he held your hand on the first day of school when you wouldn’t stop crying”

Because my nature is selfish, that one moment made me yearn for more.

Am I healed?

Will I ever be healed?

Do I want to be healed?

Is the healing there?

I can not answer that question but Heaven knows on days like this I need a hug from the one man I will never get it from in this lifetime.

I just want him to hold my hand,

I really wouldn’t mind him pushing me from a swing

I really would love to feel his hand on my head praying blessings over me.

I do know that no matter what, no matter where, no matter when, the yearning for his love has never left me.

And it probably never will.

The day it will, I won’t have to imagine it anymore

Because he will be right there to give it and I will be ready to receive it and I will hold onto it and I won’t let go.

• grieving
• healing
• loss
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