Excuses just aren’t enough

Most of the time I just feel like I don’t have the time to write, read a book, have a drink with some friends or even visiting a friend. Speaking of which, my friend recently had a baby and I did have the time to visit, I could have made the time to visit but I was not prioritizing her thus the excuse “I just don’t have the time!” The other excuse was “Work!”. Mind you, I have a normal working hour job, I do not go out every night, so how is it possible that I honestly could not spare an hour to visit my friend and her baby. Of course you reach a point where you start feeling like you are in an intense adulterous relationship with guilt and you just can’t take it anymore cause it’s eating you up alive. I finally gave in and apologized profusely about my behavior, I mean it was a genuine apology and her response to me was, “I understand…”

I can not begin to express the hurt I felt. Hurt for my friend because of what I had done, the emotional turmoil I put her through, I had promised time and again and again and yet again and again I let her down. There is surely no excuse, I believe when something is important to you, you make time for it, you fight for it, if it’s a friendship you just don’t watch it go down the drain like waste water.

I then realized the depth of those 2 words “I understand”. At first I thought what does she understand exactly? That I couldn’t make time for her, that I was busy or that I was just making up an excuse or that our friendship did not matter to me, or was she saying it just to tolerate my behavior,  “settling!” A lot of things ran through my mind, I went insane like a runaway train for a split second as all these thoughts were running through my brain.To be honest those are words I would like to hear less of when I ask for forgiveness. The minute someone says I understand, you can not even continue with the rest of your apology, but what do you say “thank you?” that sounds rather cold. The problem is you will go through your life coming up with all sorts of excuses and just expect people to say “I understand!” but that’s not the way it works,

some friends will not understand why you cant make time for them when once upon a time they were all you had….

your family will not always understand why you are never home on time every night to break bread with them…..

your workmates will not understand why you always arrive at work late and still manage to just say “sorry guys” as if its the most natural thing to do…….

one day someone will not say “I understand” because they have dished out all the “I understands” they had and they will say “I am done!”………

I honestly do not want anyone to reach that point in their lives where they have had enough of my excuses and honestly I dish them out like freebies sometimes. But I have had to learn and understand what the other person goes through when all I give them are excuses…..